Banana Speaks Out

(originally written & performed for The Paper Machete in Chicago, July 31, 2021)

I’m sure most of you recognize me, but for the few of you who may not, I am the albino Burmese python who co-starred with Britney Spears at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Most people know me as “Britney Spears’ albino python from the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards—but my closest friends know me as...Banana.

I came here today to announce that I am joining the fight, to emancipate Ms. Spears from the cruel and unusual conservatorship she’s been under for the past 13 years, as the newest member of her legal team. I recently slithered over the California bar and feel I have an extremely strong grasp that some might refer to as a “strangle hold” on Ms. Spear’s unusual legal situation and history. I also serve as a character witness since Ms. Spears and I have known each other for 20 years and...we have a lot in common.

We’re both female.
We’re both white.
We’ve both been thought of as “southern invasive species”.

Britney and I met in 2001 when she rescued me from the wrong side of the Everglades by asking me to collaborate on the now iconic live performance of her song, Slave 4 U. I was only a year old and about 20-30 pounds at the time, I had no idea how fame would affect us both. I came from nothing. Hatched in a nest with 37 brothers and sisters, I was forced to compete for the love of a mother who didn’t give a damn about me. My father disappeared shortly after fertilization, for all I know, our mother ate him. I had to fight for every moment of my youth, for every bird, rabbit, rat, mouse, and small reptile I was able to catch and kill in order to survive.

Although she was completely terrified of me when we first met, Britney treated me with respect and kindness. After just a few short hours, she was cradling me in her arms, singing and dancing with me around the stage, proclaiming her absolute devotion to me. Me—an adolescent snake from the middle of nowhere in Florida who had ridden to the VMAs on the New York City subway in a goddamn Coleman cooler bag. My heart may regularly expand to 40% more than its original size in order to pump more blood to my stomach when I’m digesting extremely large prey, but on that day—it was because of Britney.

Snakes have a bad reputation in the media, fueled by the likes of the Anaconda movies, the Old Testament, and those quote, “Muthafuckin snakes on that muthafuckin plane”. No offense to Samuel L. Jackson, I’m sure he needed the money. Britney had wanted to change all that. She made us approachable, lovable, hip. I’ve never wished harder for tear ducts that are evolutionarily capable of expelling liquid due to emotions or the eyelids with which to blink those tears away, until in 2007 when bleach-blond teen YouTuber Cara Cunningham hysterically pleaded for everyone to “Leave. Britney. Alone.”

I stand coiled here before you as someone who understands exactly who Britney Spears is. I too know what it’s like to feel unloved. To be an outcast. A freak, who thinks their only value is in entertaining the people who come to gawk at them. Someone who, to the untrained eye, seems dangerous, unpredictable, untamable. I too know what it’s like to feel confined, caged, trapped, owned. A being who only wants to be free. Free to do whatever their heart desires, whether that’s controlling their own reproductive choices or swallowing an entire pet toy poodle for lunch.

So the next time you think about making Britney Spears the punchline to a joke or laughing at something seemingly crazy she posts on social media just remember: she is deserving of love and understanding, just like the reptiles you think of as evil, slimy, predators who star in some of your favorite films, eat your garden pests, and teach lonely, misunderstood weird teen girls to feel something, for the first time, for a creature other than themselves.

The Paper Machete

I've been writing pieces for The Paper Machete, a weekly live magazine in Chicago, off and on for years. I love The Machete with my whole heart and admire the people who run it, making it a living, breathing thing. I am forever grateful for every opportunity I've had to be included in their roster of comedians, essayists, satirists, musicians, and freaks. The Machete has become one of the rooms in the Chicago performance house I live in and no matter how long I'm gone, I know I can always come home. Because of the hyper topical, up to the minute relevancy of the material, writing for The Paper Machete is always a delightfully harrowing experience for me. During weeks I've written for the show I'm always woken up in the middle of the night by flashes of ideas for my pieces, based on whatever Christopher, the senior editor and I have agreed on topic-wise. I grope for my phone in the dark, blinded by it's display, and type random    thoughts into my notes app that I'll spend the next day deciphering. I love writing this way, under a tight deadline and tighter comedic parameters with the muse lovingly smacking me in the head with fun, dumb bits that I pray are funny to more than just her and me. I'm a masochist when writing and I have absolutely no desire to change. The pain is just too much fun. The following is a collection of some of the pieces I've had the pleasure to create and perform over the years. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed writing them.     

Photo by Sarah Elizabeth Larson

*  *  *  *  *

Aeriana Fortuna for Malaysia Airlines

1/10/15

 

Thank you for inviting me here today, my name is Aeriana Fortuna, I’m a flight attendant and I’m here as part of a new PR campaign for Malaysia Airlines. 

 

A couple of you may have heard of us from recent news headlines like, “Missing Plane” or “Pray for Flight 370” or “Terror at 33,000 Feet” which have unfortunately slightly tarnished the image of Malaysia Airlines. Since these events we’ve done extensive market research and it turns out what airline travelers want most is honesty and humility and to not have to take their shoes off…all at a really reasonable price. So I’m here today to turn your frowns upside down by unveiling our brand new advertising campaign: Get Lost With Malaysia Airlines!

 

Move over Bermuda Triangle, there’s a new vacation destination in town and it’s somewhere between Kuala Lumpur and Beijing…probably in the middle of the South China Sea but maybe also partially in the Gulf of Thailand…and also a little bit a few months ago in the Ukraine…either way, come on in - the water’s just fine!

 

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “You guys are either a really shitty airline or you have the worst luck imaginable” - and you’d be right – about both. (beat) But there are also a lot of other things you probably didn’t know we now have, for example, incredibly spacious leg & overhead compartment room. We’ll let you take your full-sized luggage right into the main compartment, with no baggage fees!

 

Are you a plus-sized traveler? Then Malaysia Airlines is definitely for you. Never buy two seats just to be comfortable again. We’ll even let you lay down in the aisle…we’re so desperate we really don’t give a shit anymore. 

 

Do you hate having to listen to those long, boring safety briefings? Well, we’ve gotten rid of them…cause really, what’s the point?

 

We’d probably even let you take a whirl at flying the plane. Compared to us, how bad could you be? At this point we’ve really got nothing to lose - except more passengers. But don’t take it from me, listen to these amazing testimonials from fives of satisfied customers!

 

Rohit Patel from Mumbai said, "I've never felt so alive!"

 

Mina Punchantundra from The United Arab Emirates exclaimed, "I was on the edge of my seat the whole time!"

 

And Ming Lao Sang from Huainan Prefecture sighed, "Fuck me, I can’t believe we made it.”

 

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “But haven’t a shit-ton of people gone missing or died from flying your airline!” Yes. But studies show there are a lot of other normal activities that are statistically more dangerous than flying Malaysia Airlines. For example, going on a Tinder date. Being on an Air Asia flight. Or having a government that has a predominantly Republican Congress.

 

Haven’t you ever dreamed of staring in your own version of Alive, Survivor, Lost, Castaway, Airforce One, Die Hard 2: Die Harder or Snakes on a Plane? Do you long to escape your boring hum-drum day to day existence? Do you or your loved ones ever wish you were dead…but don’t want to deal with the hassle and expense of a funeral? Then come fly with us!

 

Please…we’ll let you do anything if you fly our airline. You wanna smoke in our bathrooms? Fuck, you can shoot-up in our bathrooms! I’m begging you, please, dear God, buy a ticket. I need this job so bad.

 

Malaysian Airlines – where’s your sense of adventure? 

* * * * *

Zuckerberg's Ex 

4/13/18

(Matter of fact/ slightly angry)

Hi, my name is Bridget Singh and I’m one of Mark Zuckerberg’s ex girlfriends. After watching the congressional hearings that have been going on where Mark has been (happy) raked over the coals for violating millions of people’s privacy, I came to the Paper Machete today to say one thing, Mark...

(complete tone shift to sexy) 

I want you back. 

That bewildered, ashen, flustered face you made while being questioned by Senator Durbin about what hotel you were staying in during the hearings and who you messaged privately that day, was the exact same confused, lost face you used to make when you went down on me. And I miss it...

(whispers) 

desperately. 

I miss the way your clammy, uncoordinated hands would fumble all over my body, attempting to mimic a real human caress. How you cared enough, to google image search where my clitoris was. How we made love in a way that was, almost exactly like using a vibrator, as if one had transformed into a human being and learned to stammer nervously. Honestly, I’m not really sure you ever put your actual penis inside me. I’m not even sure you have a penis but I don’t care, you were still my awkward sex robot. My adorable little lizard person in a gray Hanes fitted tee. 

Speaking of, (touches chest & neck seductively) I’m wearing the one you left at my place the night before we broke up. (smelling the neck with both hands) It still smells like you, like chicken McNuggets and voyeurism. Based on what you’ve being accused of in these hearings it sounds like you still like to watch, don’t you Mark? I’ve been spending late nights, alone in front of my MacBook Air taking quiz after quiz that pops up in my feed so you can collect my personal information and expose my raw data to the highest bidder. You know how fucking hot that gets me Mark?  

And how could you forget, “on this day, 7 years ago”, you asked me to dress up like The Winklevoss Twins cause ever since you fucked them metaphorically, you were dying to fuck them literally.

(More mad & frantic laughingly) 

Cause you see, no one understands you like I do Mark. (quieter) I’ve seen you naked. I know where all the ports and jacks are. (whispers) I even know where the batteries go. 

I’ve also seen your old Friendster profile. I know that the first thing under the list of “things you enjoy doing” is, quote, “Asian girls”. Even though I’m only technically half, I could be more Asian. I’ve even been working on my Chinese. Ni hao ma? That means, how are you, Mark? You might have yellow fever, but I’ve got a terminal case of the nerd flu.

(coy)

I could also be Russian…(in accent) if that’s what you’re into now (winks at audience).

(matter of fact bitchy)

You know, it’s not like I’ve just been sitting around pinning over you Mark; I’ve dated plenty of guys since we broke up. I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors about me and Tom from MySpace. Yeah, we had a pretty serious thing going for a while; I’d say more about it but… “it’s complicated”. 

Steve Jobs and I used to sext but after several iPhone updates we just didn’t seem compatible anymore. Not like you and me. Face it Mark, we just make sense. And as soon as you realize that, everything else will make sense... (matter or fact) well, not in terms of you understanding normal human interaction or common decency with strangers’ private information...but that’s one of the things I love about you Mark, you’ve been a bad boy and I’m just the woman to “poke” you into submission. I’ll be waiting for you to message me, I promise it won’t get stuck in my “filtered requests” box. 

And Mark, all of that...is what’s on my mind.

*  *  *  *  *

Classic Ghost

10/31/18

Thank you all for being here tonight, it’s not often that I get to talk directly to the living so that’s pretty cool. As you may or may not be able to tell, I am a Classic Ghost. At one point I was alive and now am an not. I wear this sheet so that you can see me since I have no physical form to speak of. I’ve only been dead for about 20 years so I still like to think I’m pretty hip to what’s going on in the world of the living. I try to visit about once a year, usually on Halloween so that it’s when the veil between our two worlds is the thinnest and it’s just easier to blend in. Let’s just say I’m not what you’d call an adventure tour-ghost. So I’m just hanging out, having a few drinks, trying to figure out how 2018’s going for y’all and I feel like I need to clear up a few things now to prepare you for after you’re dead.

Identity politics - once you’re a ghost there are none. Gender really isn’t real, sexual orientation doesn’t matter, race isn’t a thing, sex is non-existent. Any living person who tells you they fucked a ghost is lying. 

We only care about one thing, HAUNTIN’. DAT. ASS. Ghosts love to haunt. We are D.T.H. - Down. To. Haunt. And we do not discriminate. You are all attractive to us for haunting. The pansexual world of the living likes to say hearts not parts. I say humans, not boobans. Paranormal activity, not gender proclivity. Lemme put it this way, on ghost Tinder we always swipe right.

RuPaul once said ya’ll are just spiritual beings having a human experience; in the afterlife, ghosts are just spiritual beings having a horny experience. 

All ghosts are horny for haunting, why you think we’re moaning all the damn time? Poltergeists - assholes cause they’re hauntingly frustrated. They all got “booo balls.”   

Essentially what I’m saying is, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. No one cares about shit in the afterlife except your soul. The real you. The eternal you. Which brings me to my next point…

Ghost representation in the world of the living. (clapping her covered ghost hands) Where is it? As we all know in this realm it’s election season. Where are the politicians who speak to my needs as an apparition? I am a Blue. Collar. Classic. Ghost. And I need someone who speaks to my issues: where am I gonna find bed sheets to cut eye holes in? How am I gonna cut said eye holes without hands? Why do I need eyeholes when I don’t even have eyes?

Also, what about Classic Ghost representation in the media? The undead & other supernaturals are seen all the time! Walking Dead, Twilight, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, both the original with Melissa Joan Hart and the shitty Netflix remake. WHERE ARE THE CLASSIC GHOSTS? And don’t give me that Beetlejuice bullshit, that was two dead people with physical bodies and sheets over their heads; there is nothing under here (points at self)! 

Last but not least, my culture is not your costume. Stop culturally appropriating Classic Ghost Culture. You don’t see me commin' up in here wearing Old Navy Norm Core, Instagramming on an iPhone 8, eating and digesting food, drinking craft cocktails while waiting for Uptown to become gentrified. Respect the dead, tip your servers, and make sure you vote on Tuesday or I will personally slime your ass. Happy Halloween!  

* * * * *

Justin Bieber Celibacy

2/8/19

Hello everyone, my name is Andrea Carmex, and I’m a celebrity therapist. I’m here today to talk to you about one of my most high profile clients whom I feel has been getting a very bad wrap in the media recently for his decision to remain celibate, for a year, prior to his marriage. That client is none other than Justin Bieber. Normally  as a professional therapist you would think I would have to abide by confidentiality laws but since I work under the Canadian free healthcare system, (laughing) which is clearly insane, I can say whatever the hell I want!

Justin and I met at church and I’ve been counseling him and his now wife, who’s name no one really cares about, for the year leading up to their marriage, the year of celibacy I affectionately to as, (sings) IS IT TOO LATE NOW TO SAY (spoken) I’m saving myself for marriage?

The thing that most people don’t understand is that Justin didn’t do this for himself or for his wife, he did it for Jesus. Jesus wanted Justin to become a child pop star, meet Usher, rocket to fame, pound alcohol and Xanax and then realize he needed to come home to the faith. If you really think about it, it’s the original hero’s journey. The same journey, coincidentally, that was taken by Jesus Christ himself. 

Now, no one really knows what happened to Jesus Christ, a person who definitely existed, from his childhood up until when he started his ministry at the age of 25. The same age, coincidentally, that Justin Bieber is now. Now I’m not saying that Justin Bieber is Jesus Christ, (laughing) that would be insane, (serious) or would it? 

Think about it, Jesus was born to a poor virgin mother in the town of Bethlehem on December 24th. Justin was born to a poor single mother in the town of London, Ontario on March 1st, 1994. March is the third month of the year, 3, Justin was born on March 1st, 3 plus 1 is 4. In 1994. 4 plus 1994 is 1998. One plus nine is ten, ten plus nine is nineteen, plus eight is twenty-seven. Not counting Decpacito, Justin has had three major recent number one hits, twenty-seven minus three is twenty-four...THE SAME DATE AS JESUS CHRIST’S BIRTH.

Jesus was a carpenter, a craftsman, Justin runs a leisurewear company called Drew House that CRAFTS predominately house slippers with smiley faces on them. Jesus had many followers, Justin has many followers on Instagram. Jesus had the Last Supper, Justin has supper all the time. Jesus was crucified, Justin has a giant crucifix tattooed on his chest right above the words, Son of God IS IT STARTING TO BECOME CLEAR YET? Jesus said he was coming back, he never specified when or how so is it so insane to think perhaps he decided the most efficient way to spread his message of faith was through wildly popular music and TMZ? I. Don’t. Think. So.

Is is such a leap of faith to think that maybe the messiah we’ve all been waiting for has been here all along? No one thought it was possible that a humble young man could be the son of God the first time, and as a recent Vanity Fair article stated Justin’s closest friends often refer to him as a, quote, young man, unquote. Jesus was best friends for years with the prostitute Mary Magdalene. Justin was best friends for years with his now wife who I’m sure at some point has been called a whore, since pretty much every women who breathes has.    

So the next time you go to take that online gossip piece clickbait about how Justin Bieber is a fraud and a sellout and a fool don’t think to yourself, “What is Justin doing?”, instead ask yourself, what would Jesus do? 

Because in the end aren’t they both essentially just asking us to all be, Beliebers?     

* * * * *

Judy the Midwestern Mom Witch

10/12/19

Hi, I’m your mom’s friend from work, Judy Applegate. I used to also see her at church but I haven’t been in a while cause I don’t know if she’s told ya - I’m a Wiccan now! Yeah, I’m a witch! So fun, right? You know, my daughter Kyleigh started doing it and at first I was like, Kyleigh, what’s going on? Is this a drug thing? Cause ya know, she’s your age now and sometimes young people are doing drugs cause they’re sad. Anyway she said no, mom, I’m a witch, and then ya know my second thought was oh like a sexy witch for Halloween cause that’s comin' up and then she was like NO MAM, like it’s my religion! She gets very emotional when I talk to her about herself which I find weird considering that’s all she does on Instagram but I guess it’s different with your mom. Oh well. 

So I started thinking about it cause I’m a Baby Boomer and you know she’s always so mad at me for things like climate change and how I destroyed the planet, and how she had to move back in with me cause she can’t get a job cause I destroyed the economy and she keeps saying “do better ma, do better ma!” and so I thought, ok missy, you want me to do better? I’m gonna follow your lead for once and I’m gonna see what all this Wiccan stuff is about and I’m gonna cast some spells of my own and make some change you can believe in, like Barack Obama used to say.

Just don’t tell Kyleigh cause she gets embarrassed but I like to call these my Midwestern Mom Hexes. Ok, this first one is to reverse climate change, I call it Two in the Pink, One in the Ice Cap. All you need is an ice cube from your freezer for this one. Now I know for some of you who have adult kids who’ve come back to the nest, this one might be a bit challenging cause ya know they’re not fillin' up the ice trays after they use ‘em so if you need to get a bag of ice from the Jewel that works too. 

Ok, once you’ve got the ice you’re gonna hold your hand up like this (she does the “shocker” hand gesture) and you’re gonna use your other hand to rub the ice on your witchy titty, that’s the left one (she demos this), I know you don’t have any ice but everybody rub your witch titty, we gotta practice for later after you go to the Jewel. I see some people not doing it. Do you wanna save the planet or not? Ok so you rub the ice on your witch titty and you say, global warming go away, don’t come back another day, too much sun will burn your ass, nipple-so-hard it can cut glass! Ok, everybody I’m gonna say it again and your gonna repeat what I say while your rubbing your titty ok? (shame people not doing it) Here we go, global warming go away (they repeat), don’t come back another day (they repeat), too much sun will burn your ass (they repeat), nipple-so-hard it can cut glass! (they repeat). Good job (applaud them)! For all you know I just hypnotized ya to all be my sex slaves...I’m just kidding! (BEAT - she stares at them v. serious). 

This second one is for anybody who saw the new Joker movie and thought it was good. If you are one of those people, you need to go home tonight and put on the movie Signs, turn up the volume as loud as possible and have sexual intercourse with your significant other. That one’s not really a spell but it’s whatcha deserve.

This is the last one I’m gonna show ya and I’m gonna need some volunteers. Now I know some of you may have seen that video going around with the kindergarten teacher teaching the kids how to wipe their butts after they go a number two. If you haven’t seen this, in the video the teacher and the kids are in chairs with two balloons taped to the back of their chairs and the teacher takes some toilet paper and wipes front to back, between the two balloons to show the kids how to wipe. Something I taught my Kyleigh when she was little, don’t tell her I told you that, she gets so embarrassed. Anyway so I need anyone who wipes back to front instead of front to back when they go a number two to go ahead and raise their hand. Just raise your hand up high so we can all see you...anyone? This is very important, this is a very important spell, (riff on wiping & raising your hands for a bit…)

(If anyone raises their hand):

Ok, keep your hands raised, this is gonna be a call & response one ok? I’m gonna sing out something and you gotta say the response...you’ll get it, I promise. Ok, here we go. (singing) Sweet Caroline… (audience response). Good job (applaud them)! Now the president will get impeached thanks to your bad hygiene. You made a difference.

(If no one raises their hand):

Welp, I guess Trump WILL be our president for another four years. That’ll teach all of you to have good hygiene or lie about having it. That’s your fault. That one’s on you.

Now I don’t want you to think you can use witchcraft to solve all of your problems, no you’re gonna have to go out there & get a job and find your own place, and make a positive mark on the world and there’s only so much all these spells can do for you. But whenever you start to feel sad and like the world’s going to shit just think about your mom’s friend, Judy at home topless, rubbing ice on her titties, wiping front to back, (singing Sweet Caroline to herself) and changing the world for the better. Bye now!